Disappointment

Do you hate yourself? she asked me. I said yes, I hate myself more than anyone. When she heard that she just sat there and played with the straw in her cup. After a while of just staring into nothing she stood up and said, I'm sorry goodbye. And there I saw her vanish before my eyes, I was left in the diner with pancakes in front of me. nothing I could have done but sigh.

Mirage.

I know I don't belong here. I know no one will understand me. It was fate that told me that I should be alone. I never rejected any help but they were the ones that gave up. And I was left waiting for a hand to reach out. I walk around with a blank face because I have given up. I keep wasting effort that I knew had no results. They told me to work hard, But for what? Now I look in the mirror and can't help to be sad, I don't even know my self any more. Its been 3 years since I have been locked up inside my room. Then I wrote about random things on the internet to get it off my chest. But nothing changed. I'm going to stop this charade, I was no Oasis, But surely I was a mirage...

What?...

I can feel it inside my skin. Inside my bones. I'm shaking, I cant control it. What is this? All I can do is crawl in my bed with the blanket wrapped around me. I could try to ask for help. But why search for something that is not there? I'm shivering. I feel cold. I feel it in my bones. I try to cover my ears and hold my head. What is this? I'm breaking piece by piece..

Drowning.

The rain falls on me, It feels so comfortable but I can't seem to cry. The problem is, I'm Drowning. But why does it feel so good. The rain keeps falling. I'm Drowning. With only my head above the water. Is death embracing me?

Thoughts

Tired and cold there I stand beside my window looking outside. The sky looks so beautiful but too bright. These walls I feel like they are closing on me. I do not wish to be here but always want to be here. I'm a Paradox. Maybe a soul in limbo?

The Comfort of my hands.

Hello September, I never knew you were just around the corner. Its so cold, I think winter will come early. Time is moving so fast, But I think I have always said that. Its so cold, Very cold. But my hands feel warm around my neck. Death is embracing me. It is calling me. I still have the strength to control it. But why does Death feel so comfortable. Maybe because the only real thing in this world is Death. And life is a lie. Because we all die in the end. I want to be buried, Buried in the snow. feeling cold, But having my warm hand around my neck. That would feel really good. I don't really have any right to complain can I? Like a beggar on the street people will just pass by. They would cover their noses when they do because the stench of death would linger nearby. I'm alive outside but dead in the inside. My smile says Hi, I'm doing fine. But my eyes scream help.